Talking

She seems so confused as to why Big Daddy just won't let her talk. (Perhaps because he was trying to make a phone call and it was difficult for him to do with the constant loud chatter.)

This morning, for the first time, she asked for some milk. It made me a little sad actually as it seems some of the vestiges of babyhood speech are disappearing. She's always referred to her favorite beverage as "noo noo." Her Mandarin teacher said that milk in Mandarin is something like "nyui nai" which sounds similar. I'm not sure if XX was using what she heard as a tiny baby, or whether she just had poor pronunciation. I'm inclined to think the former. There have always been some odd words in her vocabulary, but as I learn a bit of Mandarin, I find they're not always pure babble.

While I'm glad she's moving quickly towards intelligible speech, I mourn a little. I don't know if it's that I won't be the only person she can communicate with, or that I'll now have to worry that what comes out of her mouth will be both telling and embarrassing. Nothing gets by her and she's happy to repeat everything to anyone. Guess she won't be the only one who has to be quiet on occasion.

Weekend

We spent last weekend with Uncle Ed and Uncle Steve and went to a small town fair that offered, among other goodies, pony rides.

Even though XX happily rode horses by herself last summer, she had to be peeled away from me this year. The woman running the rides said that I could hold her hand and walk around the ring, but I thought that this gave us the perfect opportunity to work on the separation issues.

So XX reluctantly let go of my hand. She proceeded to tell the woman she did not want to wear the small black helmet, she wanted the purple helmet. It was too big, but XX insisted it was fine. I mean, she insisted. The woman was no match for my bossy girl.


Then she chose her horse, the biggest, and rode confidently, yelling, "NI HAO, MUM!" from across the field. She charmed the two girls who held the horse. They could not get enough of her.


There were also popcorn balls with maple sugar. She, like me, is a huge fan of popcorn, so we got her one. She liked it and nibbled at it, but dropped it the second she saw some teriyaki meat on a stick. "I need meat!"


At a lovely produce market, XX screamed when she found a purple bell pepper. Luckily, this time it was Daddy she called to, causing many heads to turn as she yelled, "DADDY! MAY YOU PLEASE BUY THIS 'ZI' PEPPER FOR YOU!" (She still gets her pronouns mixed up when she's excited.)

We also went to the regular Sunday farmer's market. XX loves the samples, and usually manages to get free tomatoes or apples from booth owners. This week she chose a very weird looking squash to bring home. She helped me cook it by scraping all the seeds out, and she had it for dinner, pronouncing it "Hao chi. Zhen de hao chi, Mum!" (It's really good!)

Sometimes she gets, and gives, kisses.

She had a real laugh when she saw Daddy. He was wearing his baseball cap backwards and she thought, ahem, it looked "a little bit strange." Note that she has on somewhat oversized flipflops though the day is cold enough to warrant a sweater and jeans, and sunglasses on a cloudy day.

A little bit strange. Never mind her daddy, that's my girl.

Gluesticks

They use them every week in Mandarin playgroup. XiaoXiao loves them.

This is what she wrote on the back of her craft last week:


Each child got some cut-out pieces to glue onto a paper plate. Everyone seemed to get the gist of it: two eyes, two ears, a snout, mouth, and a bow or bowtie. At the end of craft time, there were seven somewhat piggy-looking plates.

And one of these:


XX said proudly, "My 'zhu' is a little bit odd. I did it different." Indeed. All the pieces are there, glued carefully on top of each other. Lots of glue.

I love it. She came home and showed her daddy and told him, "It's 'xiao zhu,' Daddy. It looks different, but that's what it is. THAT'S HOW I MADE IT."

This week, when it was craft time, XiaoXiao ran to me for "LOVE, PLEASE!" then joyfully rushed to the table and sat by her "lao shi." She didn't even glance my direction while she worked on her project. (It was a "qing wa" puppet and it, too, was a "little bit odd." One of the boys tried to help her by rearranging the pieces, but she deliberately put the arm back over the tongue and asked me, "Why he's doing that? I like it that way.")

She helped pass out gluesticks, and when everyone was done, she ran around the table to put all the caps on. Only then did she realize she had been apart from me for nearly 25 minutes. She ran over immediately for fortification, but finished the rest of the class with only a glance and a blown kiss every two minutes or so. No more tears.

She's not yet able to do a class without me, but the progress feels immense.

Gluesticks may just be the reason my child allows herself to become unglued from me.

Dancing

We all went to Wendi and Jose's this past weekend and after eating and eating and drinking and drinking, we danced ... on the floor, the furniture, the window seat.

My favorite part? (Besides XX just toppling over randomly.) Wendi fixing the slipcover on the armrest amidst all the festivities.

Perhaps that is why her house is so clean and organized while mine ...

Classes

Classes started two weeks ago. My goal: to peel this child off my body and prepare her for preschool in January. Both her dance teacher and her Mandarin teacher are aware it's going to be a haul, but they're patient. Thank goodness.

Ballet started off horribly. XX froze, unblinking through much of the class. I had to stay with her and that was not enough. She wrapped herself around me and would not participate. Without her smile or confidence, my own child is scarcely recognizable.

This is not her that day, as obviously, she's not in her ballet garb. Nor did I have the presence of mind to take out my camera as this little bugger was clamped around my leg.

But in some ways, she was unfazed. She was up for going to Mandarin the next day and was able to do 20 of the 60 minutes by herself.

And last week, she was happy to go to both classes. I was still in the room, but she did more of her ballet than I've ever seen and was told she had to "be quiet and listen," "settle down," and "get back in line." What a relief to hear those familiar words.

Mandarin went well also, and while she did less alone, she did some. And one of the little boys whispered to the teacher that he thought XX was "ke ai" ("cute") and then he came and whispered it to XX as well. Her first crush. Or rather, crushee.

She just looked at him, muttered, "xie xie" and went back to her coloring. As I said, crushee.

We had a great weekend with friends (will post video once Wendi emails me to say it's okay!).

And now, XX is waiting, not so patiently, for her classes again.


The smile and the confidence are in full evidence. Keep your fingers crossed ...

It's Great!

... to eat yogurt in a fairy house.

... to complete your parents' sentences.
Me: "Sometimes you are so ..."
XX: "Bossy?"
Or Daddy: "AGH!!! It's constant ..."
XX (pointing to herself): "Talking? XiaoXiao?"

... to obsess about "'subi" (nasubi - Japanese for eggplant) all weekend, and find one with a "bi zi" (nose) at the farmer's market.

... to eat a fresh bell pepper at the market.

... to learn a new figure of speech. XiaoXiao thought the idea of water running was hilarious. "Water doesn't have feet!"

... to work on your ballet in an angel tutu.

... to savor the anticipation of ballet class and "ni hao" class. Both start this week.

... to finally fit in a dress from your first birthday (yes, size 12 months).

"May I ... ?"

It started with "May I please paint?" So I took out her watercolors, got her a bin of water and some paper.

Then, "May I please paint this piece of wood?" Why not? She did a lovely job of painting a piece of bark. First white, then black.

After about five minutes "May I please paint the ground?" Watercolors will wash off in the rain, right? We already have chalk drawings, so why not paint?

And then, "May I please paint myself?"


She painted bracelets on her arms, "washed" off and started over. A performance artist in the making. I did reluctantly say "no" to painting her lips.

And at the end, "MUM! May you please see my 'H!'"

May I please have another day like today?

Riding

This is the smallest helmet I could find. It's for babies, with the straps pulled tight and all the extra pads put in.

But we needed one. When we left at the end of Spring, XiaoXiao could not reach the pedals on her trike. And now,

"FWEEE!!!"

XiaoXiao is three today. Where has the time gone?

She wore a new outfit from AI and UGH with Crocs they gave her well over a year ago. They finally fit.

We went to Chinatown. She wanted to get a new swimming "xing wa" for her bathtub but we didn't see one. We did get a name painting for her room. She chose the template and the color for the mat. The artist was impressed when she asked for the "lao hu" ("wo ai lao hu!"), chose the "huang se" mat, and gave him a sincere "xie xie" afterwards.

(XiaoXiao - the character means "smile" - my "Happy Little Girl")

She wished a "Happy Birthday" to everyone today. It was a special day for all of us.

We talked about going through her toys and clothes later in the week to give away and share what she cannot and does not now need. Though I do not think she completely understands "not having," she certainly understands sharing, especially after the many trips to Goodwill and the Food Bank with YeYe's belongings. She'll also get to choose a way to help a child either in this country or China as part of her celebration.

At our favorite restaurant, she asked for chicken and black beans, but ate only the black beans ("hao chi, Mum!"), devoured the pea pod shoots (if you have never had these, do try them), and crammed in the tofu. Then she had her first ice cream cone. She first said she wanted "fen hong se" (pink), the red bean, but then decided on just "bai se." Vanilla it was. I am not sure if more went in or on her. She drew many amused and horrified looks as we walked through Chinatown.

Of course, on this day, we can't help but remember her birth family. I think as we spend the day in joy, they must mourn in some way. I wish them peace.

Favorite Moments

Some of my favorite moments of the Summer (now that it's about to end):

• One morning on our walk with the dogs, XX noticed a red rock. Ever after, she had to greet the rock, put a kiss on the tips of her fingers which she would then place on the rock. She next got down on her knees, touched her forehead to the rock and tell it she would see it "ta-mallah." There was something so reverent in her communing with this rock. Beautiful.
• XX learned that "honey" was a term you could apply to many people you were fond of, not just a particular person. So we started hearing, "Honey, (I can call you Honey, Mum) don't forget grocery bags." Or "Honey, (Mum, I can call Big Daddy, Honey) TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF!"
  
• Funky somersaults (see previous video).
• Tossing items into the grocery cart. Not what you'd expect. I'd see tomatoes, asparagus, peas, avocados and cauliflower. And she'd eat them when we got home.
  
• Walking Ariel. One day she was in the stroller for our hour walks in the morning and suddenly the next, she was walking/running the whole way and taking care of Ariel, tugging and urging this lovely dog along.
• "Fwimming." The joy in her face while she's in the water is something else.
• "Mum, Big Daddy is driving TOO FAST! Watch out, Big Daddy! XiaoXiao is in the car!" Both hilarious and heart-wrenching.
  
• "I need see YeYe."
• "Mum, please don't be sad." Accompanied by the best hugs and kisses.
  
• Eating blackberries. We found a fabulous bush on our walk. She would come back with stained clothing, hands and face.
  
• The changes in her speech. While I admit, I mourn the disappearance of the odd bird calls and the other crazy noises that passed for words, it has been fascinating to watch the transformation to almost intelligible language.
  
• Aunt Suzie learned not only to understand, but to speak XX's "Chinglish." I'm not crazy after all.
  
• "Mum! I'm tipping on my toes!" (For walking and running on her tiptoes. There is also dancing and kicking and jumping in this position. The most awkward of fairies, but the most joyous and delicious.)
• "Sure! ... Is this a 'sure' or a 'yes, please,' Mum?" She learned that "sure" could stand in for "yes," but then found that it worked for "would you do XYZ?" but wasn't as good for "would you like XYZ?" as "yes, please." I think she's got it now.
  
• Manners. "May I please ..." starts many a sentence, in fact almost all. When we're out, she will walk up to someone and ask, "Excuse me, may I please pet your dog?" If the answer is yes, she will pet, hug gently and when she is done, tell the dog good-bye and then thank the person.
• Honesty. She's too young to lie, so when asked, oh, say, "who poured water all over the floor?" she lights up and says, "XiaoXiao!" Always announced with pride.
  
• Gratitude. Just recently, she's started saying, "Mum? Xie xie for XYZ (whatever)." It'll come a bit later, after she's already thanked me automatically, but it seems it's on her mind and she feels the need to give one more, truly heartfelt thank you. What could be better?
  
• Riding rides at the State Fair. She is still too small to ride alone (the operators even referred to her as "the baby"), so I had to cram my gangly body into the baby Bee Ride and the Elephant Ride ("Da Xiang!!!!"), but she loved them and felt so grown up for having ridden.
  
• Petting pigs. In the Petting Zoo, the goats, the deer, the tiny horses were all ignored. Only the hairy pigs were cooed over and petted and kissed. Even the giant sows in the livestock sections were amazing to XX.
  
• Knowing she could love Daddy and Mum at the same time. Before, she's only gone to Daddy if she thought it would get her something. But now on occasion, she will hold his hand and mine and know it's okay to love two people at once. I think love has been a scary feeling for her.
• Related to the above: XX will get an answer from Daddy and say, "I 'fink' I'll ask Mum" hoping for a better outcome. And the reverse. Sadly, this doesn't work out for her, but I love that she tries. She's always polite to the first refuser and amazingly, accepts the second "not this time." There is a big, dramatic sigh, but an "okay." And then the glorious smile as she goes on to the next test.
• Taking care of the dogs. She's taken it upon herself to notice and fill an empty dog food bowl.
  
• "We're going to Bel Air? Are we getting Chinese food?!" YeYe must have been smiling from wherever he is. He loved Chinese takeout from this grocery store.
  
• Finding another tooth. I had thought she would never get a full set and a month ago, another tooth appeared. Perhaps the last is on its way as well.
  
• Sleeping through the night. Oh wait. That's my imagination working overtime. Something to hope for though.
  

But there is so much more I can't remember at this moment. XiaoXiao has made this summer so much easier, so much more than I could ever have hoped for. If I never have another "lucky day," I will still always be ahead with my Fu child.

Summer

I thought we might have skipped this phase, but last Saturday, XX started asking, "But why?" Three days of "whys" and now I guess I'm getting a bit of a break. We've reverted to "nos" and "don'ts."

There have been a lot of changes. XX is getting to be pretty good on the computer. She knows not to do too much or it will hurt her eyes. About ten minutes, maybe fifteen and she turns it off by herself. This is XX working on her Chinese:

She helped Daddy painting the railings. He wasn't pleased that she painted some of the white on the grey, but for not-quite-three, I think she's doing a fantastic job. Actually, she's doing a fantastic job for any age. No one works harder than my girl.

We went to see Aunt Steff play at a county fair. XX loved the music and she loved the livestock shows. Especially the pigs.


Her running and jumping have come a long long way this summer. When we got here, she still fell a lot, even walking or sometimes just standing, but she's gotten far more control over her body of late. She's got the scabs and scars to prove she's been outside and active for the past few months.

She's discovered a new way to do somersaults.

When I try to snap a picture, often as not, I'll get this:


But then she'll come around and pose. Never lacking in attitude.

AI will be happy to know that Chrissie and Paul sent XX a new bunny.


Old bunny still is a must at bedtime. XX is convinced that Bunny keeps the bad dreams away and protects her. I won't argue. She's sleeping better these days, though she has yet to sleep through the night. The terrified shrieks are mostly gone. It's just a "I don't want you to leave me!" or "Mum? I need you, Mum."

XX has learned that her behavior has consequences and on occasion, she can monitor herself. She'll tell me, "Mum? I'm going to behave and be polite today." And I see her catch herself before all the belligerent words come barreling out, take a deep breath, and then say, "Y-E-S, Mum. I'm going to say Yes today." And she does and we're all happier for it. It's incredible to see anyone check themselves, much less someone so young.

For all the heartache of the summer, it has been incredible to watch the changes in my daughter. She's grown-up, yet also allowed herself to be the baby at times. If you're the parent of an adopted child, you know what I mean. I think her sense of security is really settling in.

While it's always hard for me to see Summer go (I am one of the strange who does not like Fall), it will be a relief to move past this part of my life. I wish I could hold onto this part of XX's life though. It has been extraordinary. Though the frustrating days are huge in scope, the reality is that they are few. The only way it could have been better was if Dad had been here to share the laughs. I have no doubt he sees and rejoices, but it was always the talking and sharing of XX's antics that made them even more incredible for me.

Changes, good and bad, can sure put some twists in the path of life. Thank goodness there are kids to guide us through.

YeYe

I started this blog as a way for the family, mostly Dad, to join us on our trip to China.

I continued as a way for the family, mostly Dad, to join us on our trip through parenthood.

Along the way, it's also become a way for me to unwind. It's cathartic to let out feelings of joy or frustration. But I also know, this is not only for Dad or for the rest of the family or for me. It's for XiaoXiao.

And so, for her, I am compelled to acknowledge that Dad was killed in a car accident on May 6. If not for XiaoXiao, I would have felt my own life had stopped. But children have the most magical way of keeping life going. She won't let me be sad for long. I'm showered with hugs and kisses and "don't be sad, Mum"s. And so I go on.

XX had an immediate reaction to Dad when she met him. She adored him. Without hesitation she went to him when we went to pick him up at the airport, not long after we returned home from China. She knew he was hers to charm, and that he loved her and had longed and hoped for her.

When we first said we were looking into adoption, Dad told me that I should go to China and get a very young baby. He told me casually, on many occasions, he was waiting for me to have his granddaughter. No pressure, ha ha.

Though we considered many options, in the end, we went to China and as luck would have it, we were matched with a very young and very small baby. Dad's hope and his joy.

I found this in an old email of his, written to his sister, just after we brought XX home:

She has developed so rapidly in the three weeks I was here from a helpless crying child to a confident one who loves company and waves to people. She delighted tourists on a double-decker bus driving by the Nonya Restaurant by waving and smiling at them and got her photo taken by many of them.

He was so proud of her and always told me that we were so lucky to have her in our family. "We" meaning our whole family. He always felt lucky to have been chosen as her grandfather. I hope she will understand as she grows older, how lucky she is to have had him, even for such a short time, as her YeYe.

Dad often told me to give "XX a kiss from YY."

No matter how I explain, or how often, though I do admit, I have stopped, Dad is alive for XiaoXiao. I think somehow, she knows he is not coming back, but as only the young can do, she believes in his spirit fully. She feels it and and she embraces his love.

While I still cannot believe he did not fulfill his promise to see her through college, I believe he is seeing her and laughing and crowing with all the pride that goes with grandparenthood. He was a proud grandfather of all his five grandchildren.

Today is his birthday. We celebrated with a house full of laughter, of family, of food and love. Just as he would have wanted.

Aunt Steff

After missing time with Aunt Steff last weekend due to our illnesses, she came back yesterday to spend a bit of time with us. XX had a wonderful time and especially loved teasing Aunt Steff who couldn't always understand the, ahem, fabulously articulated speech of a two-and-a-half year old.

It was a lot of fun and Aunt Steff may even still be able to hear after being subjected to some of XX's happy shrieks. We have a feeling she'll bring earplugs next visit.

A Real Mom

I guess I'm a real mom now, baptized by vomit. Several times.

The strange thing is, it wasn't as repulsive as it seemed it would be. Not that it was pleasant, but your mind just goes to taking care of the miserable little geyser in front of you.

We all had the stomach flu this weekend, unfortunately the weekend Aunt Steff came to visit. She stayed about an hour and then checked into a nearby hotel. She'll be back Friday, we hope, before she goes back home.

The three of us got sick within a few hours of each other. John was done in 24 hours, XX and I got a second round so took 48 hours.

But we're all fine now. Perhaps a bit more bonded for having spent the time glued together sleeping for days on end. You have to look hard through the stomach flu for a silver lining, but it's there. Covered in vomit.

Spring

We can't paint all day. So we run errands, we play. On our Costco trip, McGee, XiaoXiao's bear, came with us. And he, too, wore a tutu.

It's warmer, so we can wear lighter jackets and leave them open now. XX hangs up her own jackets and puts them on "all by self!" We like to celebrate "artistic expression" in this house, so when she says with pride, "XiaoXiao do little bit odd," I say, "Great!" And odd it is.

There's also tea time with Ariel. XX serves sticks and Ariel always takes them.

Spring.