Drive

Joss isn’t always satisfied to crawl up the stairs. She sees us walk up and she wants to do the same. That drive is there. I watch her stand and pull herself up using the balusters of the staircase banister, and her moves beckon memories.

John’s father lived with us for a few years until he passed away a month before Joss was born. His second floor bedroom, the room that is now Joss’s nursery, meant climbing the stairs several times daily, and what he first thought of as a lot of exercise, became a chore and finally, an impossibility.

As time went by, he used the rail not for balance but for support. Then he started pulling on the balusters, shaking and testing each one before using it to drag his weight up. I began to walk up behind him, just to be sure he made it, and to lend a balancing hand or arm if needed. At a certain point, we moved him down to the first floor, the stairs no longer an option.

With Joss, I’ve watched as the stairs became that option, that path to freedom. I still keep my eye on her as she goes up or down, but I no longer worry. Soon she will walk, even run up with no effort at all.

The other night, Joss ate her grapes, cut into quarters, with a fork. She speared some of them and some she balanced with the round edge sitting on the tines as she carefully brought it to her mouth. She’ll balance a single pea on her spoon and carefully move it to her mouth.

Again, her actions bring up memories of Grandpa eating, his motor skills lessening almost weekly and food often falling off the fork or spoon before it reached his mouth. His meals became tailored, not only to what his doctor would approve given his medical conditions, but to what he would be able to get to his mouth. Life in Reverse.

We take our abilities to perform everyday tasks for granted, but watch a baby or an old man for a week or a month and you’ll see how wondrous it is to do something as mundane as put on a jacket. The first time Joss got her arm through a sleeve, she rejoiced and crowed loudly. She hasn’t quite managed a sock yet, but she tries nearly every day. It’s often more fun to put the socks on her hands and run around saying, “uh oh!” And oh, she’s a whiz at taking off all her clothes (to my dismay).

Getting dressed and undressed became harder and harder for Grandpa as the months passed. I helped him button the small buttons, then get his arms into sleeves, then pull on socks and tie shoes.

He became less secure in the shower until we had to have home health care workers in to help. Joss is able to step into the stall herself, so self-confident now as opposed to a few months ago when she had to either be held in my arms or scream as John held her outside the glass door.

She ran for her potty this morning and missed getting there by six inches. And yes. Sadly, yes. The indignities of old age. We all have it coming, if we’re lucky enough to live so long.

I am reminded daily of the progression and through memory, the deterioration, of a human body. When Grandpa walked, each step was carefully placed, calculated even. Joss still hasn’t figured out she can go around an object, rather than step indelicately on it. Poor Ariel’s paws are included in this list of objects and this soulmate dog of mine never even flinches when Joss tromps down on her. A pile of three books? Not a deterrence to this child but, of course, she goes tumbling as the books slip against each other. The fall that would have meant a hospital stay for Grandpa is a part of walking for Joss at this stage.

Nearly every bit of Joss’s day reminds me of some way, of Grandpa. But when I am reminded, I remember. Not just of what he couldn’t do, but of what he could.

I watch Joss climb the stairs and I hear Grandpa’s lectures on “foot pounds” of force and energy. What an amazing mind this man had.

I see her sit for a moment before digging into her meal and I think of the unusual blessing that Grandpa gave before each meal. And I smile.

Joss opens a book and I recall her grandfather’s appetite for books and knowledge and his incredible memory. Joss laughs at her Daddy and I hear Grandpa chuckle at his son.

So maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s not just Drive or Reverse as we go through Life. The part of us that stays in other people’s memories sits somewhere in a beautiful Neutral. We remain not at any particular speed or in any direction, but we do remain.

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

I'm a day late, but that's not too bad for me these days. Wishing you all Health and Happiness.

Yes, Joss was crying just before this photo, but I wanted to see if this dress finally fit and, lo and behold, it does, a mere 9 months after we bought it in Nanchang. We had to get them to redo the shoes twice because they were too big and only now are they starting to fit. They made the qipao in the very smallest size and then cut it down further and now it's short, but fits otherwise. The hat is also just starting to sit on this little head and is still pinned in the back. We probably could have bought doll clothes for her in China.

If you doubt her growth, here's a pic from her Red Egg Party eight months ago.


Last year, what was most important about Chinese New Year to me, was that CCAA was NOT working to match me with my child for the two weeks that China takes off during this Holiday. What a difference a year makes.

This year on Chinese New Year, Joss spoke a new word to me while giving me the fiercest hug: "yuh yuh." In case that needs translating, it's "love love." And yes, I cried.

She reads plays.

She reads while snuggling.

She helps me clean.

She breaks my heart.

And she fills it up.

Happy Valentine's Day!

In case you didn't recognize that snippet, it's a kiss blown from Joss to you. She's a kissy girl, always blowing kisses to someone, or better yet, planting a sweet trace of love on a willing cheek. I don't know how many checkout men and women have leaned in when they see her pucker up and then tell me that Joss has made their whole day. She laughs and claps when they say that. I think she knows how much happiness she's spreading.

She's always happy to see friends and family. Uncle Jack who comes most Sundays is always willing to read her a story.


Joss loves her music, any sort from hip hop to classical, and she loves to dance. She dances with her bunny and her bear now, too, and is learning to clap in time to the music.




Another favorite activity is to give the dogs treats. She knows where they are kept, understands that she needs two treats, one for each dog. And two days ago, she actually called Ariel to come get her chicken slice! It's the first time she's called anyone besides me. Unfortunately, Ariel did not understand the "Aaa-aah!" (this is called with, I guess you could say, the third tone of Mandarin, starting at one tone, going down a bit and then rising. Her approximation of such a difficult name.) I called Ariel as well and when she appeared, Joss was thrilled.


Ariel is never too far from Joss anyway. The other afternoon, Joss lay herself down next to the poor dog, put her head on Ariel's front paw, and to my surprise, my lovely Ariel leaned down to lick the baby's head. Not just Joss's face, but her head and ears. So adorable, especially with the baby's happy giggling.

We've had a few bouts of diarrhea lately. The first two with stomachaches, and so a very crabby and unhappy baby. Ariel stayed right by her side until everything passed. (Or passed through, I should say.) She's a good dog and a good second mother.

Boris is getting better, too. I can't say he's fond of Joss, except at mealtimes, but he tolerates her a bit more anyway. He knows she's good for a piece of chicken, tofu or even some broccoli. My dogs and my daughter all think broccoli is food for the gods.

The past few weeks she's held off on the eating, perhaps because her stomach has been on the fritz, but she is back full force this week. I scarcely know who this child is, packing away three squares and two snacks. Never mind the milk she's drinking. We must be in for a growth spurt.

Jacob and Nathan gave Joss a set of doctor tools. She's somewhat enamored of the syringe, yipes, and thinks the stethoscope is a lovely necklace.



Joss often says something to me that I then try to interpret. If I'm right, she dances with joy. If I'm wrong, she stomps her feet and yells with impatience at her somewhat slow mother. She's created some signs to help me, and believe me, the signs do help. Her vocal articulation is moving along, but it is still hard to understand at times. This is "help please."


Now you know why I interpret for John.

But every day, her speech is clearer. We see her focusing in on our mouths with intense concentration. She watches every move we make, then copies our behavior. Joss is always working at learning. As frustrating and tedious as parenting can be on occasion, it is also incredible to watch this growth. Is it possible to see brain cells filling and expanding? Sometimes I think it is.

Nap time appears to be over, so I have to get this done.



Happy Valentine's Day. Hope you have a nice afternoon with a couple of old friends. If friends aren't near, wishing you an email or a phone call from someone you like or even love, and of course, a piece of chocolate.

Isabelle Update

Isabelle's passed the 100 day post-transplant mark, which is a big deal. It means she's through what would be considered acute rejection. She still could have what would be referred to as chronic rejection, so she is not out of the woods yet.

Her blood counts are still low, and she needs to gain some weight. She now weighs less than when Kelsey and Craig adopted her last May, so the main goal now is to get some milk in that baby and some weight on those tiny bones.

Her blood is now made up of 98 percent donor cells!

Besides all the medical news, Isabelle is now signing and is coming back to the happy baby that she was pre-hospital days. She can walk with help, so despite her weight loss, she seems to be gaining a bit of muscle tone.

There are still a lot of unknowns, so they're sort of playing with the drug intakes. I think Kelsey has become an unwilling expert in all aspects of the immune system and meds are now a normal part of life for this family.

Keep them in your thoughts.