This Holiday Season

Though our holidays were bittersweet, there was, nonetheless, much wonderment.

As we watched Ariel grow weaker, we watched XiaoXiao grow up.

She ran to clean messes when Ariel would spit up. She cooked special meals, eggs or pasta or soup, and hand fed them to Ariel.

XiaoXiao learned more about love and more about the gift of life. She has always lived in happiness, but now she knows sadness, each state heightened by the other's existence.

XX has been grieving in her own way, but without wallowing. It is sadness in a pure form, unburdened by guilt or self-pity. As such, she has also been freer to move on and it's a good thing. She's a busy girl.

She decided she didn't want to put ornaments on the tree. It felt like too much this year. So we opted for simple: lights, popcorn and candy canes.

There was her first violin recital, which meant her first time playing with an accompanist.

She helped Daddy outside getting ready to put in a new front walk.

She went to talk to Santa. She wanted to ask him what kind of cookies he likes best so she could leave those out (chocolate chip with walnuts) and what to drink (milk or hot cocoa). She enjoyed her chat so much, we went around and stood in line again. When we got home, she remembered something else she wanted to ask: if Santa would be able to share some of her toys if she put them out by the fireplace. I assured her he probably would do so, and we did not have to go back.

So she culled through her toys and put aside several, including even a penguin! She said she had many and she worried about another kid who loved them, but did not have one to hug. (Santa was happy to take the toys and share them!)

She always has fun with goofy headwear as noted above. But there were also elf days.

There was fairy day, being sure to keep her flying horse above any thistles.

We painted our nails.

She painted my hair.

She had her first Nutcracker. She was a "tiny mouse." Guess who was the tiniest?

on the right

She remembered her choreography, was on time with the music and was completely invested in her role. No one scurries like she does! We were pretty proud and yes, tearful parents. John thought this might be the first Nutcracker he's seen.

There was an acting (improv) performance.

At the end, when everyone was done with bows, guess who stayed in her pose (perhaps wanting more applause)?

There was the Nutcracker she had auditioned for in the fall. She was a little cook. Guess who was the littlest?

It felt very strange taking her to the stage door and watching her sign herself in to perform with a professional ballet company and the accompanying Philharmonic.

There was even a two-show day, which was tough (at least on me). She spent nearly all day at the theatre and unusually early call times meant she was there during lunch and dinner times. She ate "pre-lunch" and "pre-dinner," neither of which were very hearty. But she had fun and we again cried at seeing her on such a large stage in a huge production.

And finally, Christmas Eve with the family. Prep time always includes some expert chopping from XX.

(Yes, that's Carver in the center. New haircut and definitely growing up.)

XiaoXiao set herself a goal sometime back of playing a certain song for the family on Christmas Eve. She felt great performing for everyone.

XX said she was sad that Ariel would not get her stocking this year (Ariel and Boris both got very excited every year over their presents from Santa). She was also sad that she would not get a present from Ariel, who always knew what XX would love.

But it is Christmas time, after all, so of course, there was one last gift from the most loving of beings. XX begged to open this present early.

Ariel did not disappoint. XX has carried her little Rudolph everywhere since.

To the Magic of the Season ...

... Cheers!

Ariel

Ariel entered our lives almost 14 years ago, the most adorable, most mischievous, most fun-loving puppy imaginable.

Dad often told me Ariel was a shining example of how to live a life: giving love, spreading joy and reveling in every second. He said, "She's seeing only the good in everything and everyone." He was right.

John and I thought this was Ariel's first time around. She seemed a new soul, the world was a wondrous place to her, every bit to be enjoyed and relished. As if a physical manifestation of her sweetness, she always smelled pure and fresh, like a new baby.

When XX came into the picture, I wondered how Ariel would react. True to form, she welcomed this new "puppy." When XX woke screaming, Ariel accompanied me each time to check on the baby and put her back down. This was as many as 8 times a night, no less than 4 times ... for years. Ariel adored XX and put up with everything from being a pillow to being dressed up in silly costumes.

Ariel taught me about love. If I am never loved another moment in my life, I will have more than enough in my heart. She gave me everything.

To a life well and fully lived, well and fully loved.

We will miss you.

Thankful

We have much to be thankful for. We are, as my grandfather always said, rich in family.

Brad and Steph came for a surprise visit and that brightened our holiday immensely. Amazingly, both XX and I managed to keep this a secret from John. We went out the door, XX's violin and books in hand and told John we were off to a lesson instead of the airport. XX was so excited she could hardly stand it and she was not disappointed. She played and played the entire two days, desperate to get in as much time as she could with them.

We went to Suzie's for Tday dinner and had a great time as always. Lots of food, lots of talk, lots of laughs.

We came away full, our bellies and our hearts. And the holiday season has only just started.

XX Speaks

As always, XX has plenty on her mind and she is never shy about sharing her observations ....

Mums have a language like this: “I love you, but you can't do that.” Why do dads have a language like, “Stop! Be quiet NOW!”

To Red: “Daddy had a surgery so he's not so strong right now. He can't pick me up. He can't pick you up either. But he's still scary and big. If you see a burglar, Red, tell Daddy.”

After an argument about what sort of job Daddy was doing relocating a tree (he thought fine, the ever-opinionated XX thought terrible), he told her to let him work. She cried, “Daddy! You're wrecking my 'good!' I been trying so hard to be good after having a cookie and you ruined it by making me yell at you.” She was not pleased, but not backing down either.

To me: “Some of the big girls at ballet have fat thighs. Like yours.”

To Red: “Red! If you jump at Ariel, you might break her leg.” To me: “If he does, I'll pick up her leg and put it in a box to save for my kids.”

On seeing a large pig: “That's a daddy pig. I know because LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THOSE TESTICLES! They're HUGE! They're the size of Red, probably 20 or 25 pounds.”

I often overhear some odd bits of conversation to random people: “My mum's dog Portia died when she was 10. Now she's 18.”

“I'm responsible enough to drive a car. I am. I just can't reach the pedals. I hope I'm not still in my carseat when I'm 16. That would be a problem.”

“Red is always trying to get me to go where he wants by biting my heels. But he wouldn't be a good sheepdog because what if he was watching Chinese sheep and they said 'zuǒguǎi?' He would probably go 'qiánmiàn,' and that would be wrong.” (I might add that we do not have sheep, much less Chinese-speaking sheep.)

“Mums are better at multitasking. Dads just say they multitask. But they don't. They don't hear their kids anyway.”

She found out that if you played Peter Pan onstage, you would be taught how to fly. “Oh good. Then I'll be Peter Pan. I been trying to teach myself how to fly and it's not working out so good.”

There are, as always, questions ....

“Could Boris eat China?”

“Could a tree eat a dinosaur?”

“If you practice bad behavior every day, do you just have to have a job of burglar? Do you graduate and they tell you, 'You have to be a burglar now'?”

“If you go to jail, when they let you out, are you someone different? Do you have the same face?”

“When Boris dies, will he leave his teeth and collar? Or will he take them with him? What about his toenails?”

. . . . . . . . .

It appears I am failing as a teacher as I obviously haven't explained anything in nearly enough detail. I'll have to buckle down.

If I can ever stop laughing.

Violin

The sillies are not limited to practice time, but also happen in lessons. XX works not only her violin, but her drama.

Happy Halloween!

XX has been looking forward to this for months. Candy and dressing up, what's not to like?

There was one small change this year: fear. A few displays in stores scared XiaoXiao so much, we had to leave. She screamed loudly on entering a few places, cried, begged to leave. And so we did. I'll be glad to get back into the local hardware store, Walgreen's, even some of the grocery and craft stores.

After one place, she commented, "Why do they put that stuff up? It's terrifying to little kids. I know. I'm a little kid."

A rubber hand reaching out of a truck body had her frozen stiff (it did the same to me, actually). I have never witnessed a face turning white before, now I have and I hope never to see it again. XiaoXiao's face lost all its color, her breathing stopped. Even after I told her it was a toy hand she asked, "Are you sure? It looks like there's a kid in there." And she sobbed. I carried her home and she talked about it for days, wondering who would think it was funny to hurt a kid.

She said perhaps Halloween wasn't such a good holiday after all. It seemed mean. But then it turned around again as fun always does.

Our neighborhood grocery put on a wonderful day for the kids. Okay, it's a chain, Whole Foods, but the people there make it feel like a small town store. They greet us, they know XX, let her help them scan groceries, they offer her fruit if she declines a treat, they know not to offer lollypops, they all have their special greeting to XX: a high five, a hug, a pick up or a joke. They bring her stickers from parties they've been to on days off, they help her locate half dollar coins she's searching for, they always hold conversations with her as long as she wants to talk (which can be a long time).

On Saturday, they had cookie decorating, pumpkin painting, balloons, guide dogs-in-training, and face painting.

And today there was a haunted house. I wondered about this, and indeed, XX not only declined to speak to the talking head, but pulled to get out of the place. We did and wouldn't you know, there was a clacking skeletal hand coming out of a cauldron. We left quickly.

At home there was pumpkin carving and final costume fixings. Daddy made a great pitchfork and XX worked hard to put on the finishing touches.

We waited until it was nearly dark. A quick dinner and the we managed to get everyone ready and almost looking in the same direction.

XX has been wearing her costume for two days. I don't think anyone is surprised to see her dressed up, Halloween or not.

We didn't actually make it too far this evening. XX did a lot of talking to neighbors, so it took a fair amount of time. Some houses had scary decor. Daddy was sent in to do a prelim lookover at one house and when it turned out the witch lit up and spoke, XX ran in the other direction. She stepped back carefully, but wouldn't go near the door, so our neighbor gamely came out with the bowl of candy.

We didn't even make it around the block, but XX had a great time and collected quite a bit of candy as everyone gave her a lot. She happily told everyone (in great detail) she was going to eat some but give most to the soldiers. Our local children's museum is collecting candy to send overseas and XX got very excited about this idea. Guess we'll be making a trip over that way later this week.

XX said her favorite part of Halloween was passing out candy to kids and after we got home, she ran to the door everytime the doorbell rang and was also quite disappointed that not many kids came. She told everyone that they had a great costume and only flinched from a few who were pretty scary.

It really couldn't have been better.