A Giggle in the Night

Santa was good to us this year.

Brad and Steph came to spend Christmas Eve and Day with us. Seeing them with XX is the best. The three of them have this sort of love/laugh fest that is joyful to watch.

We saw Jamie, Lauren and Baby Isla the day after. All of them are doing well. Our whole family is healthy and happy. Life is good.

XX learned about presents. She was amazed when she found a few presents in her stocking. Boris and Ariel, too, remembered about stockings. The three of them checking out their treasures together, oh ... so sweet.

I think the unwrapping was the best part. We had XiaoXiao check the labels and when she saw the Xs, she'd yell "XiaoXiao!" and rip into the package. At one point though, she had a package for John and was about to open it when I asked, "But who is that one for?" She pointed to the "X" in "X-mas" and said gleefully, "XiaoXiao!" So while we have letter recognition, reading is still in the preliminary stage.

I do think that her biggest memory of Christmas this year will be the tree (she greets it every morning, says good night before she goes to bed, and laments the fact that Uncle Jack has no tree), and having family around. Much much playing and laughing.

(I have no pics for a complicated reason I won't go into. Technical problems between whatever and whatever.)

Just recently, XX has begun to close her syllables. The difference between "off" and "on," is suddenly making itself clear without the signing. I hear "oFFFF!" and "oNNNN!" She rolls the consonants in her mouth and savors them. It's like she's discovered they can live at the ends of sounds as well as the beginning.

Her speech is coming along in giant bunny leaps.

She's begun calling me at times "Mummy." Often it's "Little Mummy" or "Xiao Mummy" (little Mummy). I'm not sure who Big Mummy is.

Suzie sent us a book about a bird who is looking for his mother (not Are You My Mother? which doesn't resonate like this book about Choco). XX has completely connected with this story. She carries the book around with her, she reads it to herself, she has me read it and on every page, she looks to me and says, "XiaoXiao mummy right here" and she wraps her arms around me. Or "XiaoXiao have Mummy right here." Or even just "XiaoXiao have mummy" with vigorous head-nodding. It's heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time.

Last night, I got my best Christmas present.

XiaoXiao still cries at night in her sleep. Every night. She doesn't always wake up, the extreme night terrors have subsided and surface rarely. But she calls for "Mama" or yells "NO!" or whimpers in her sleep. Not enough to wake herself up, just enough to wake me.

But last night, I heard a giggle. It's the first time I've heard happiness in her sleep. For all her daytime joy, her nighttimes have been full of anger, hurt, fright and sadness. Last night, a bit of happiness crept in. I've waited so long for this sound, I was beginning to think it might not exist.

Thank you, Santa.

Characters

Gpa D always told us to watch out for characters, blissfully unaware of the fact he was one crazy character himself.

And now we've got another in the family. This is who we took out with us the other day.

She wanted to wear her Halloween costume, her monkey suit, and her rainbow socks. And then ran to get her "bunny ears" hat. Anything hanging off a hat is a bunny ear. Any hair in a ponytail is a bunny ear. Her world is measured in bunny ears. I've explained this to many a pony-tailed person, after XX points out and calls out, "Uh oh, only one bunny ear!"

As Gpa said, watch out.

"The Stockings ..."

" ... were hung by the chimney with care."

Hard to get them all to face forward for some reason, but I did it. And then XiaoXiao noticed that one had an "A" on it. She knows "A" is for Ariel and thought it was great.

The "B" she finally figured was for "B-buh ... Boris!"

Then the "J."

"Hmmmm.... 'J' for Dada! John!"

The stockings might have been hung with care, but perhaps not the correct letters.

'Tis the Season

For Family, Giving, Loving ... and fires. My little helper even stacks wood.

She helps with everything from shopping to cleaning to emptying the dishwasher to folding laundry. She's a hard worker, my girl.

And what a girly girl. She loves her purples and pinks, bows and flowers. I tried to see if a grey hoodie would fit her and she ran from me screaming, "NO!" preferring the pink, of course. She would rather wear a pair of shoes that don't fit, but match the outfit, than a pair that fits, but is a "little bit yuck yuck." Definitely my girl.

She's gotten to the age where she will, if she can reach, put items in the grocery cart. Tomatoes, asparagus and strawberries are what she "needs." Blueberries are a must, no matter what time of year. Even her frugal father doesn't deny her these.

Pork is a true favorite. If something is really good, she wonders if it is, oh say, "pork fish."

She can sometimes eat an astounding amount and when I asked her on Thanksgiving where she was putting all the food, she answered matter-of-factly, "In my mouth."

Baby Isla is turning out to be a good eater as well. She already takes more formula than XX did at nine months. We also have a new cousin, Lian, who came home from China just after Thanksgiving. He sounds like another spirited child - Robin and Todd are in for some fun!

One day, just before Thanksgiving, XiaoXiao picked up her bunny and said, "I love Bunny." And then turned to me and said, "I love you, Mama" and ran into my arms. (Okay, so I'm behind Bunny, but I'm just thrilled to be in line at all.) XX has been home 18 months now, twice as long as she lived in China and the changes we see in her are huge.

After repeating "I love you" earlier this week, and saying "I love you, too, Dada," a barrier seems to have come down. XX says it constantly (though it sounds like "I yuh YOU Mama!!!") and every time, runs into my arms for a stranglehold hug and a kiss she almost engraves into my face. If we're apart for even a minute, she runs to me saying, "Miss you!!!" with again, the giant hugs. Her love, like everything else about her, is fierce.

When I'm holding her, she whispers into my ear, "You and me, you and me, you and me." I'm not sure where she learned it, but it's her mantra so I say it back to her now and she relaxes in.

She runs to say "bye bye" to Dada when he goes to work, "hello" when he comes home, and even, the other day, didn't turn her head away when he leaned in to give her a kiss. Then promptly told us, "XiaoXiao no turn head when Dada give kiss. Wow, XiaoXiao!" (Her father's daughter - never above praising herself!) She plants some good ones on him, too, to his delight, and now, when Mama is cooking, will ask him to pick her up to watch what's going on. He never says no, always happy to hold his crazy little daughter. His face is beautiful when she's in his arms.

XX loudly tells her father when it is time to eat (I am sure her voice can be heard down the street if not in the next county), to take off his shoes when he comes in the house, hang up his coat, and so on. She is bossy, but she gets results that I never have. On the flip side, when he's sleeping, she kisses the palm of her hand and wipes it softly on his arm or his cheek.

XiaoXiao chatters constantly and John can now understand her much of the time. Her Mandarin is still better and clearer than her English, but that is coming along. Her ballet French is also surprisingly good.

She loves her dance class. I know these videos are probably boring, but they're for Suzie. It's incredible to me that two year olds can do anything much at all, let alone a ballet class. (Sorry that there are two, but they were on different formats and I couldn't figure out how to mesh them.)

At the beginning of class, each child says her name and runs around the circle of sitting children. Just this past week, XX was able to run around by herself. The girls all love this part but it's taken XX a while to get up by herself (I've been running with her). In true XiaoXiao fashion, when alone, she didn't run in a full circle, but halfway around, then cut through the middle and ran the other way - a wacky figure eight. And she was laughing all the way.

This is "spoon ears." Anything for a guffaw.

Steff sent her some puzzles and XX loves them. (John's happily watching Sponge Bob in the back. How many children do I have?) Again, perhaps a bit boring, but this is for Steff.

This wacky, hyper and happy sprite couldn't be more our daughter if she had our DNA. My fantasy and fantastic child. She's more loving and affectionate and secure by the day. It's miraculous to watch - her growing belief and joyful acceptance that this is her forever family.

Even Boris has come around and will tolerate XX for short periods of time.

'Tis the season ... for miracles.

Thankful

Last week was busy, crazy, wonderful. We have much to be thankful for and more on that in another post, but the biggest event took place last Monday when we welcomed XiaoXiao's niece into the world. Big brother Jamie and Sis-in-law Lauren are the proud parents of Isla. We were honored to meet our new family member about twenty minutes after her "debut." Both she and Lauren looked fantastic. Jamie didn't look half bad either.

Along with this is a little thing: XX was actually quiet when we met the baby. Ahhh... so much to be grateful for this Holiday season.

Who Needs TV?

We spend more time in a day than many people spend all week/day/month, just doing this ...

Am I not the luckiest?

In My Daydreams, I Become ...

... my daughter.

XX is working on her art. She's stretching her limits, always reaching. And all with lovely ballet technique.

She is my inspiration.

Nap Terrors

Who knew such a thing existed?

I happened upon a thread on an adoption site and nearly fell over. Other parents describe the behavior of their children in/around/during/after naptimes -- the screaming for Mama but then hitting and kicking her away, wanting Mama but screaming no at the same time. They could have been writing about XX.

Some of these bouts go on for an hour or more. XX's only last about ten minutes and when she's done, I see almost a physical shudder and she's fine and loving again. They usually occur at exactly 45 minutes into the nap, and then again if she's woken up before or after the next 45 minute period. Caught in a funky spot of the sleep cycle.

I hope she'll grow out of these, the night terrors have subsided to almost nothing (from as many as 8 a night to one every month). And the nap terrors have come down substantially also since she's now sleeping in my arms every day. She goes a perfect two hours on the nose and wakes up refreshed.

Ah. My Exorcist Baby is "normal" after all.

Feeling

XX has been clingy. Not just a little clingy – I mean, she wants to be carried all the time.

While my first thought is to say, “You can walk,” I have a feeling that I need to give in right now. Because, and again, it’s just a feeling, it’s not that she wants to be carried, my daughter wants to be held.

You wouldn’t have seen this. The push/pull behavior happens at home, when we are alone. XX calls for me, but pushes me away. Asks for kisses, then hits me and turns her face. Asks for love, then kicks. It seems at times, mean and manipulative, and calculated to pinprick at my confidence as a mother.

She’s sweet, loving to friends and guests, then yells NO at John when he leans in to give her a kiss. If possible, his pain rips at me more than her behavior.

We’re nowhere near crisis or even problem status. These moments are but blips in a week, they don’t even occur daily. My honest answer to anyone, even to myself, would be yes, she’s bonded to us. And she is. I’d say she’s happy. If you haven’t seen pure joy lately, come visit. She knows how to do “glee” better than most. We’ve come a long, long way.

But it’s ongoing, this bonding process. She’s already lost her birth family and her foster family and probably a nanny or two at the orphanage. That’s a lot of loss for such a young child. Her behavior seems fine, “normal” under the circumstances. And beyond this, she’s a feisty and independent two year old who is teething again. What is “her” and what is her experience? I don’t know how to separate or if it’s even possible.

XX has a high tolerance for pain. When she does hurt herself, she’s always hit us away, yelling “NO!” while she self-comforts. If her stress level is high, she will make it worse and hit her head with her fist. It’s extremely upsetting to watch and while we sometimes force the issue and just pick her up, usually to let her know that self-inflicted pain is not the answer, neither of us has wanted to make our arms a place of punishment.

So we’ve tried to give XX time and space. I know there are varying opinions on how to help this attachment along. But if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that only we know how to help this child. Our child. Right or wrong, I’m feeling my way through. Juju told me that at one point, she just tossed all the help books out and started concentrating on loving her children rather than reading about other people’s children. She always gives me the most sensible advice.

And now, oh, now, even as the days grow shorter, I see more light.

When I hold XX, she holds me back. All day. When I pick her up, she doesn’t hold herself upright, or push back as she used to, she rests her head on my shoulder, hugs me and murmers ever so softly, “ma ma ma ma ma ma.” She pats me on the back, she kisses my cheek and my lips. She hugs me tightly. She presses herself next to me as we sit on the floor to read. She comes running to me arms open, smiling from ear to ear.

She goes to John sometimes and he, too, feels the magnitude of her love. Oddly, if she spends a little time with him alone, I become the enemy. When she’s been with me, he’s the enemy. She can’t give herself to both of us at the same time yet.

Then, almost two weeks ago, XX bumped her head on a table. She didn’t hurt herself, but she came to me and asked me to kiss her head and then told me she felt better as she cuddled into my lap. Such a small incident, and yet enormous. It's taken nearly a year and a half for her to come to me for comfort. She’s starting to do it more regularly, once when she did hurt herself enough to cry. She put her arms up and I held her. I think we both felt better.

We have yet to hear her say “I love you.” I think that will be really hard for her to give up. I pity the men in her life; she’ll make them work!

But the words don’t matter. When I look down at her during the day, she smiles up at me. I smooth her hair, she smoothes mine in return.

With this, comes something else: she wants to nap cradled in my arms. My tiny piece of the day to get work done is gone as I hold her. But she sleeps longer and more peacefully than she ever has. There is no screaming midway through the nap, no tantrum when she wakes up. Even John’s noticed. When two hours are up, she opens her eyes, smiles and says, “Hi, Mama.”

It’s two hours of physical pain. My arms hurt, my neck hurts, my butt goes numb. I ache to stand up and move around. But I look down at her face and can’t think of a better way to spend the time.

What a feeling.

Happy Halloween!

Wishing you plenty of monkey business this holiday.

Wheelbarrow

Who knew they were so much fun?

Isabelle ...

... is one year post-transplant!

She had a bit of a setback last month, but is recovering well. The stem cells she received last year are responsible for 98 percent of her blood now. We're all hoping that the remaining two percent from her old marrow, will disappear.

She's back on higher doses of steroids (which explains the full face and apparently voracious appetite!), but is once again, being weaned off. Her doctors are "ecstatic" with her progress.

So are we.

Next Broadway Star ...



... or not.

Who is she?

Every time I look at XiaoXiao, she's different. One day she'll have full chipmunk cheeks and the sweetest round belly, the next day her face will be more heart-shaped and her stomach non-existent. At times I see only a squiggle of arms and legs as she scurries past.

More amazing are the changes that are happening inside. Daily, it seems.

We went to visit Uncle Ed and Uncle Steve again last weekend. That meant another horse ride. Her posture was even better and her confidence higher, if that is possible. She knew to ask for a "hat." She wondered if Bunny should also have a hat, but, alas, they did not have one in his size. He rode without it and she just held onto him, mentioning several times that he was doing a good job.

Since the stables were busy when we got there, we had to wait. Not an easy task for an impatient two-year old. Daddy took her around to show her the farm.

But the waiting was still hard and at one point, she threw a fit, then had to apologize to Daddy. The tantrums are Award-winning, but so are the hugs she gives afterwards. This one came without any prodding from me.

We went to see an alpaca farm. She liked the baby alpaca and the fat goats. Daddy loved it all, asking millions of questions. He came away thinking we might raise alpacas, but he is wrong. So very very wrong.

We picked apples in the most glorious orchard. Every piece of fruit was huge and perfect and, best of all, within her reach. XX was pleased that both Daddy and Ariel got to go with us. (Boris missed the ride as he was off roaming, probably in search of revenge on a certain porcupine. Luckily, he didn't meet up with any on this visit.)

It's amazing that such a small person can eat such a large apple.

The trip meant she was tired for her dance class on Monday. And that meant she was a bit hyper, or rather, more overactive than usual (I can't count the number of times someone has asked, in a horrified tone, "Is she always like this?"). Her teacher had to ask her twice to calm down and go back to the blue line. Didn't bother her a bit. Since she'd already got the attention and laughs she craved, she guffawed and zipped back to her place ... for about ten seconds.

She is always the clown. Below is what she calls a "goofball hat." A goofball hat might also be a box, or a bowl, or a sock, anything that will make her laugh. She loves it more when she makes me laugh, too. How can I resist?

She often mimics what I say, repeating along every fourth word or so as John and I talk. It's like having a slurry echo in the conversation. It drives John crazy, but it's hysterical. I don't know if it's such a good idea to laugh when she does this, because it's just the applause/attention/reward she needs, but since her speech is improving, maybe it's okay.

Her new favorite word, "fuh" (funny), started coming out yesterday as "fuh-neeee!" Not every time, but getting there. The word is everpresent throughout the day, always with a vigorous nod of the head and a big smile. Everything is "fuh."

She loves her "eda-ma" but wasn't sure about "kam-boke" (edamame and kamaboko). Multi-syllable words are in the air and John is understanding some of them. I may lose my job as translator soon.

The lesson this week in Mandarin playgroup was "rabbit." Need I say it was a success for this small student? She cheerfully (and loudly) repeated after the teacher, who was so pleased that someone was listening. XX worked hard on the craft project, doing it all herself. Just gluing cotton onto a sketch of a bunny, but she absolutely had an idea of where each piece should go.

She came home and proudly showed her picture to both Ariel and Daddy. I don't know that Ariel thought too much of it, but Daddy was wowed.

She plays house, making meals for her friends. Usually it's "buck buck" (chicken), but sometimes it's eggs or soup.

She suddenly started needing more books. And more books as in storybooks, not picture/board books. That two-year old memory also means that she hears a story once and it's there for her to explore, over and over during her "reading" time each day. She can hardly sit still for a meal, or stand still for directions in a class, but give her a book and she's a happy camper, turning pages and reading aloud, studying both illustrations and words until she's gone through a "stack" - perhaps 10 books, perhaps 20. Whatever she's got available. It's one of my favorite parts of the day - eavesdropping on her reading time. I really get to see and hear what she's learning and what she's thinking. She never fails to astonish me.

Even though she just turned two, the subject of schooling comes up almost daily. We're not quite sure what to do or what she will need. John and I were talking the other evening, and I turned to her and asked, "What are we going to do with you?" To John's complete horror, she smiled sweetly and answered in all seriousness, "Dance class?" I think he was hoping she'd say, "Don't worry, my dear Father. I'll have a scholarship to Harvard Med School ... by the time I'm 14."

Fuh!

What I Love About the Terrible Twos ...

... is that we're not quite into them yet. I hear they often don't start until 3 and while we do have rough days, in general, this is a great period, full of so much learning and enthusiasm.

XX started a dance class. It's a Mommy & Me with a bit of an emphasis on ballet. To my surprise, she listens (mostly), and follows direction. I'm stunned seeing what two year olds can do in a class. She's the smallest and the youngest, but always first in line, anxious to try everything. I love that eagerness to participate. Amazingly, she even waits patiently before class starts.

We're back at Mandarin Playgroup also. She got a new CD with the songs for this year and she's already singing and dancing to some of the music. Her counting has gotten pretty good, though she's easily distracted. Still, she asks to count the bunnies often. I love that she thinks this is all so much fun.

It looks like we'll be going in with Daddy who has meetings on those days not so far away. We have lunch and all come home together. She's learned that when Dada is on the phone, she should be quiet. I love watching her carefully close his office doors, and then yell out in that Ethel Merman-like voice, "Dada work! SHHH!!!"

I love her unshakable belief that Dada can fix anything. She often tells people when we're out and she sees something amiss, that "Dada fix later."

We went to pick apples with some children from the neighborhood. XX, as always, picked then carefully examined each apple. I love her attention to detail.

She checked out the pumpkins.

We all had lunch afterwards.

She watched Daddy make pancakes on Sunday morning. She pulls the chair over by herself and is very interested in everything that takes place on the counter, wanting a bite or a taste of everything.

I love that adventurous nature that lets her eat salsa, beans, curry ... whatever we're eating, she's eating. And what she's eating, we get to eat. She always shares her snacks. The more she loves the snack, the quicker she is to offer some to me, to Dada, to Ariel.

We saw her walking slowly across the deck outside John's office with the big barbecue spoon in hand, balancing a leaf on it and then dropping it in the dog bowl. She did this over and over, concentrating on each leaf until the bowl was full, then called Ariel over because she'd made some food for her (Ariel loves to chew on leaves when she sits on the deck with XX).

She's starting to get a real idea of what is and isn't proper behavior. As in "Boris eat eat cat? No no Boris. NOT NICE! Calm down, Boris."

If you want never to take a shopping list to the grocery store, yet never forget anything, find a two year old. XX remembers everything. I'll ask her on a Monday to remind me to get, oh, blueberries, and she'll say, "Next time store, more blueberries. Mmm hmmm, yes. More blueberries." And on Thursday, when we get to the store, she'll call out, "More blueberries, Mama!"

One word she likes now is "both." As in "Mama read, XiaoXiao read, BOTH read!" after she plops a book into my lap and opens one in her own. If she gets a stamp on her hand in dance class, she makes sure Mama gets one as well. Yesterday, we walked the dogs and I loved seeing her run so joyfully, a cheap plastic necklace around her neck and a small bag over her arm so she could carry seed pods, acorns, dropped flowers, and rocks. We said hi to a number of neighbors and at the end of the walk, I noticed I had a funny plastic necklace around my neck - she'd put it on me earlier so that we "both" had a necklace.

If I wear blue pants, she wants blue pants. Green pants, green pants. Pink shirt ... you get the picture.

But there are days we eschew the pink for a more urban look. Note the little chain necklace and the cell phone in hand, her additions, and I think they're perfect. Definitely a girl with some fashion sense. Love that!

What We Did
on
Our Summer Vacation

Thanks to XiaoXiao's Uncle Ed and Uncle Steve, we were able to take part in this great American tradition of "end of summer vacation." Admittedly, John and I brought our computers and, ulp, did a lot of work, but we still managed to fit in lots of fun.

XiaoXiao and I went to pick blueberries. She worked diligently, picking over a pound by herself.

She's wearing the jacket that AI sent for her birthday ... last year. She almost fits into it now. How times flies.

She rode a horse. John grimaced seeing how much she loved it. Horse-riding isn't an inexpensive pastime.



We went to a dog fest.

You might notice that Bunny got to do and see a lot also.

There were plenty of animals to be fed.

Dog bowls to be washed and doors to be opened for dogs who wanted in or out.


There were cats to be petted and counted. (Three, though one disappeared for a few days, sending my stress level sky high.)

Someone always needed XiaoXiao's help. Here she's helping Quincy to talk on the phone to Juju. She tells him to say "hi" and "bye bye, love love." He wasn't that into it.


Boris and the head cat, Caleb, finally made peace.


This was nice because when Boris tried to get Caleb, Caleb would in turn make Ariel's life miserable, chasing her around the house until I thought Ariel would pass out from hyperventilation.

The reason Boris calmed down unfortunately, wasn't a new-found good will toward cats. More like pain and drugs. He found a porcupine and then spent a day at the vet.

This is only a small portion of the quills. I'd yanked most of them out, but as he had them up both paws, front and back, and all around his mouth and inside ... it became a job for the vets who had to put him under to clean the poor dog up. He's only just now recovering, a week later.

Still, he had a wonderful time. Lots of roaming, lots of swimming, lots of lying around as King of, if not the house, at least the Lawn and all the surrounding acres.

Ariel also visited the vet with a loose - and by the time the appointment happened - missing tooth. Otherwise, she enjoyed the company of Ethan. They went out together, played and came in together.

XX was always busy. There were floors to be cleaned (Uncle Ed's broom and dustpan were favorite toys) ...


... Dada's shirts to be ironed ...


... grocery carts to be driven ...


... and corn to be shucked (to my delight, she is excellent at this task!) and then eaten. McGee wanted corn too.




At the end of the day, there was still time for reading. She takes a little dance break in there, too.


It was exhausting but exhilarating. Wonderfully, as I was putting these vids and pix together this afternoon, XX watched and exclaimed "Blueberries!" "Horse!" "Quincy!" "Caleb!" She's now able to look at this blog and relive a bit.

We can't wait to go back.