Red Egg and Ginger Party

Lovely Kimba threw Joss her Red Egg and Ginger party. Exactly four weeks after we met Joss in Nanchang, she had her Welcome Party all the way back in the US.

Traditionally, Chinese families throw a party a month after a baby is born. Mortality rates were high in China so a month's passing meant the baby had lived long enough that he or she (okay, originally these parties were only thrown for boy babies) might make it to adulthood. It was also when a mother was able to come back out into the village or wherever after giving birth.

Guests come to greet the new child and are given red eggs to take with them. Eggs for the renewal of life or fertility, and red for happiness and good luck. Ginger, yang, is warmth for the mother's body.

Often the baby was named at this time also, but of course, that's been done some time ago.

Greeting her guests

The hat's sort of big as were the dress and shoes. I tacked in the hat, but it still fell off. Pea-sized head. We didn't even try the shoes. Maybe by Christmas she'll fit into it all.

Meeting Kyra

Joss loves other children. She just lights up when any other child is around, especially an older or bigger child. She was so excited to see Kyra and there were plenty of kisses, too. Plenty of children to bother and she thought Jacob was pretty handsome, as was his brother, Nathan. I wondered later, how many little boys she's ever seen? Probably no handsome blond boys in any case.


A kiss for Mommy, my favorite part of any day.


Daddy had on a tie that matched Joss's dress. She loved it.

With Grandpa

We were so lucky that Grandpa was here from California to celebrate with her and all our friends. Wendi did centerpieces and all the eggs for the guests. She and Kimba supervised table setup as well. And Heather got the most fabulous cake. I'm still dreaming about it.

So many people came from all over to welcome this child to her new life. She hates being alone and I think she'll never have to worry.

For La La

She's still got plenty of growing room, so will be wearing this all summer if not well into next Spring! Thanks!

Admit One

So I'll admit one terrible thing: I didn't fall in love with Joss's referral photos.

I thought she was cute, loved the smile, loved her referral info. All that stuff that is causing me so much grief now - temper and stubbornness - I thought was great. I wanted the spirited child.

But while I thought she was cute, there was no instant bonding. No "that's my child" sort of feeling. I've loved the photos of other people's babies just as much. Even of people I don't know and believe me, I've stalked all the DTC websites and seen hundreds of referral photos. Love them all. Is there really an ugly baby? Haven't seen one yet.

And when Joss was placed in my arms, there was none of that overwhelming love that people talk about. The kind that changes you forever and leaves any other love far behind.

I've felt unworthy to be a mother. Because I truly adore this child - she is everything I hoped for, quirks and all - she leaves me breathless. But my love for her hasn't outshadowed all my other loves. My husband is still up there and so are my dogs.

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade her for anything. Nor do I wish for life to be what it was a month ago. In fact, John and I can hardly remember what that was like. Certainly quieter, maybe easier. Definitely less. This now, is our Life.

But I hadn't felt that surge, that knowledge that I would lift a car, jump in front of an oncoming train, dive into a burning building to save her. I wasn't sure I was mother material.

This may be partly because Joss is a really difficult baby at times.

We're having sleep problems now. She's exhausted but won't sleep, day or night. Lots of crying in her crib. It's not the tantrum crying. It's "help me" crying. And that is harder for a mother to take. It's pitiful, but fierce.

She sounds like a baby tiger. And that's actually what she reminds me of. I held a baby white tiger once and when it was hungry, it was just like Joss. Clawing and squalling. A ferocious little tiger, that's my girl. At her medical exam today, they had two people to hold her down as the pediatrician examined her. She got a clean bill and the doc thought she looked terrific. He did note the temper, however.

Miracle of miracles. She is in her crib. Awake, but not crying. She's playing with her feet and listening to music. (The wonder of video monitors!) Maybe she's learning to soothe herself into sleep. Because she's not the type to give up the fight. My heart. Is she really growing up already?

She clung to me more than usual today. All she wanted was me. It's flattering and maddening. In the mornings, I feel I need more time. I'm behind in everything with no vision of how to catch up. Night time is my only hope.

The strange thing is, the other night I woke up and I missed her. I thought about her face, how she feels in my arms, and I wished I could hold her right then. She was only in the next room, but that felt far away.

So maybe I am beginning to be a mother. If there's a Mommy club, I think I've got a ticket. Count me in, admit one.

The Actor

Just a quickie while she miraculously naps.

I had her in her Pack'n'Play. She was playing so nicely with her bear, so I thought I'd take some photos, but from above, it didn't look so good.

Hung my hand down over the side, hoped it would be somewhat centered, then called her name, not thinking that my head was above. But did she look up at me? No. My baby looked straight into camera so I could get a good shot.

Definitely our baby.

Tics

Joss's tics are going away. Slowly, too slowly for a parent who is waiting for her daughter to "be fine," but at least they are going. She's only yanked at her hair once that I've seen in the past two weeks. She rarely scratches and pulls at her ankles when she's eating. She still pinches her arms and chest, but the light bruises on her arms are going away.

I watch her when she sleeps. She is impossibly small and sweet and perfect, but that perfection of a child cries in her sleep. I haven't seen any joy in her baby dreams, only fright and sorrow and anger. I hope that will change.

Her first impulse and first response is always a yell or a cry. Never a question, always a full-blown argument. There is so much anger in this girl. You wonder where it could come from, she's so young, just a baby. But she's a human being. In a way, I'm glad she can let it out. I wish I could help her more.

The tantrums are lessening a bit. I have a feeling though, that this is partly due to her personality and we'll always have to contend with that fury. She's a hot-blooded girl who's quick to temper, and will fight to the end. I know this is why she survived, because she must have been miniscule at birth.

On a bad night, she can't stand to be apart from me. I write now with her in my lap, in what looks like a terribly uncomfortable position, but it seems to be better than lying flat on a bed alone. I've become an expert at doing many chores one-handed, the other is carrying Joss in her insecurity. That insecurity is slowly turning to love though. I can see it in her eyes and I want to cry because I feel like we're forcing her to love us. She's had no choice in this.

For all her anger and sadness, she is also a joyful girl. She charms everyone she meets with her open-mouthed grin and baby laugh. Definitely an outgoing personality who wants to be the center of attention.

And as quick as she is to shrieks and tears, she is also quick to trust. She is incredible.

It's amazing to watch a baby. There is no disguising of emotions. When Joss is startled, it is sheer surprise in her face and her eyes. When she is scared, her entire body stiffens and her eyes widen. If an adult were to react as she does, it would be bad acting. In her, it is so pure and so raw, you feel drunk from watching. I see her study my face, sometimes with worry, sometimes with fear, sometimes with love or happiness. I think she used to wake up and look for her foster mother. It still happens, it's only been two weeks, but less often. Mostly now, she looks for me. It must make her heart drop, but she's accepting and she goes on and smiles at me. I love her for that trust.

She realized today that the stuffed bear our neighbors brought for her, was "someone." Her reactions were priceless! She was wary for only a second, then squealed as the bear kissed her, then responded with kisses of her own.

.

An American Girl

We're home and Joss is an American citizen. Her official papers come in the mail. I think that's what the man said. My brain wasn't working particularly well after a 15 hour flight.

Joss did pretty well on the flight. One tantrum, but then she fell asleep, thank goodness for the rest of the trip.

We lucked out and got our seats changed to the bulkhead so we had extra leg room, nearly as much as first class and an extra seat! Would have been nice if Joss would have sat in that extra seat, but oh well. It came in useful to hold Oatios and bottles and blankets.

There were plenty of babies on the flight. People we'd seen all during our trip. Could you imagine getting on a plane going from HK to Newark and seeing that it was a baby flight? Not a happy thought. Lots of crying moments, but the kids seemed to take turns at least.

I'll back up and tell you about our last day in China. We went to the Consulate to pick up the babies' visas. Kind of anticlimactic, if you ask me. They had all of us, 50? 75? families go into one room. (I am not sure, but think that there are three days a week where this happens. That's a lot of children leaving each week. We saw lots of families adopting older children and special needs children, which was really touching. I think these kids would have a hard time finding homes in China. The children we saw had found wonderfully loving families.) An official came out and asked us to raise our right hand, swear that everything we put forth in our paperwork was true, and that was it. We got our visas and were free to leave.

The part that was memorable, and not in a good way, was that someone decided to scream through the whole "ceremony." Someone who weighs about 13 pounds, but sounds like she's got the lungs of a 250 pound opera singer. Not only did the consulate official turn to look our direction, so did everyone else in the room. 150 or so faces turned to look at me holding a shrieking baby. Just lovely.

We left immediately afterwards for the train to HK. It was hard saying goodbye to our traveling companions and our facilitator. This is one of the most intimate, emotional trips we could all take and we've done it together. I know we'll all stay in touch. Our girls are connected. We are connected.

When we got to HK, John asked me which hotel we were at. I had no idea! Forgot to put this down in my sheet of info. But I remembered Railway something, or Train something, or Railroad something ... the hotel across from the train station. So I asked and got blank looks. The only hotel around was the Harbour Plaza. Not even close. Shut your eyes and imagine the dirty looks John threw at me.

We lugged the bags over, not easy to do uphill, and found that there was no reservation. Double those dirty looks.

Luckily, they had internet and even luckier, I had the info on my gmail and could access it. They called the agent, and found that they (hotel) had made a mistake and made my res for July, not June. Whew! Saved!

My friend/sister came out with her husband to see us and meet the baby. We stayed up until 1 or so! But it was fun and I was glad that Joss got to meet her Auntie Peg.

Getting our bags checked in at the HK airport was a relief. One of our bags was too heavy, but we were able to juggle. Getting them out of our hands was sweet. A momentary panic set in as I remembered that the baby needed an actual paper ticket. It was delivered to us at home before we left and I knew I had brought it, but hadn't remembered seeing it in some time. Luckily for me, it was in with the tons of paperwork we had to bring with us.



When we got home, Kim picked us up at the airport. She lives four hours away. She brought a flag for Joss (who loved it!), and got us home where I found my house sparkling clean and the fridge stocked with enough food that I don't have to go out to the grocery for days. How did I get to have a friend like Kim? I don't have to win the lottery to know I'm the luckiest person around.

We really enjoyed the trip. It was hard and stressful, but what a great place to experience all of this craziness. We'll definitely go back one day (soon I hope!) to show Joss her birth country, but also to see more of this amazing country.

Still, as Dorothy said, "There's no place like home."

Almost There!

Our Consulate Appointment was today. We didn't have to appear, just wait by the phone, "in case." Our facilitator went for us and when pressed, told us that he found over 80 mistakes in the five families' paperwork, but he fixed it and it was, as he always says, "No problem."

He has been mother and father to all of us. I don't know how he has the patience to do whatever we need, find what we want, round us up when we spread out at Walmart's... he's incredible.

We walked down by the Pearl River where there were retired people who are dancing or practicing tai chi or playing mah jong. We saw dancing with red scarves and "castanets," martial arts with swords, ballroom dancing. It looked like a giant, open air Y.

As it was Monday, school was in. Some sort of assembly with all the students from the school standing and cheering.

And as for Missy, she actually found her mouth today and got a Oatio in! She was trying to feed me as I fed her, but couldn't quite do it. It's hard when you can hardly sit up without falling over. But then she saw that maybe the Oatio was on the other side of her hand, the side where her mouth was. With both hands, she managed to get it in. She wasn't as impressed as I was. She just ate and then opened her mouth for me to do the next one.

She is never still unless she is asleep. While the other babies can sit for a meal, Joss is wiggling or looking for something else to do in addition to the eating. Everyone else has tagged her as the ultra-active baby and with all her OCD quirks, she gives us all plenty to laugh about. She watches intently as I brush my teeth and put on lip gloss, trying to pick up more obsessions from her mother, I guess.

We had a party for one member of our party who turned four yesterday. It was both fun and sad as it is our last time together. We leave tomorrow after the visa ceremony, everyone else is out first thing Wednesday morning.

Don't know if our hotel in HK has internet and if not, the next post will be from the US.

Couldn't decide which photo was cutest, so I'll subject you to all.

There are many statues around Shamian Island. This one is a Western man and woman watching a Chinese woman darning clothes.

This is the plaque describing the scene.

Finding the Splash

It was a good day for Joss.

Very little crying, no screaming. And lots of laughter.

We had nothing urgent to do today, but relax. Meals were leisurely, and in between we strolled around the island.

There used to be 3 or 4 shops, as little as a few years ago. Now there are over 30. Everyone advertises laundry services, free stroller rental, and sells squeaky shoes, tiny Chinese-style clothing.

Everywhere you go, a friendly girl calls out, "Hello. Please come in." And then they proceed to ask you to buy something "now." The prices are good everywhere, it's just dependent on the sales jobs . No subtle salesmanship here!

I certainly bought more than I had thought I would. And spent less than I thought also. It was a lot of fun just wandering in and out of shops. I had hoped to get an outfit for Joss but one shopkeeper told me that there would be nothing that small on the island. At least she was honest and that saved me a lot of time, looking around for something non-existent.

At present, you can't really adopt a child younger than about 7 months, so I guess there would be no reason for anyone to carry clothing in say, a 3-month size (though it was impossible to find small clothing in the Walmarts as well). No one's coming through to the American Consulate with a child that young.

But after walking in and out of so many shops, we were all sweaty. So I clenched my teeth and got ready for bathtime.

Shock is too mild a word. I put Joss in the sink and she just sat. No shrieking. I was shocked. And the bath went very well. She splashed a little, then a lot. Water everywhere! And hysterical laughter. Washing her hair could have been easier, but I did get it cleaned anyway. Huge progress.

She learned to wave also. It's a kind of spastic wave, but she does it to everyone.

Joss not only reached for and went to Daddy today, she went to one of the other daddys. Quite short cuddles, sort of in and out, but we managed to do it without tears.

It's hard to believe that it's been a week since we met Joss. Some of parenting feels so natural, and some astoundingly awkward.

We're all feeling out the way to become a family. I have been less patient with John this past week, than the entire rest of our lives, and I'm apologizing constantly. He's been a trooper, lugging my bag with diaper gear, two cameras, paperwork and more. He makes bottles, picks up the room, and makes snacks, when I am holding Joss. I've learned to do a lot while balancing a baby on my hip, or holding her under her armpits. And she's learning that I can sometimes step away out of her sight and I will come back. And then she laughs. Life is good. Especially if you've found your splash.

Steamy Guangzhou

It's tropical here. The kind of weather where you step outside and you are drenched in a film of moist, sweat-and-smoke-filled air.

The atmosphere is also very different than where we have been before. Every shop is geared towards new parents. Shops offer laundry services and a free stroller rental. The popular restaurants are those that serve Western food. And there are more places selling tiny qipaos and squeaky shoes than you can imagine.

All this in a very small area. Shamian Island isn't that big.

Today was the medical appointment. You know that meager 14.3 pounds? It was not quite the reality (Chinese here are eager to please and always tell you what you would like to hear. It's lovely, though sometimes disconcerting).

Joss weighs little more than 13 pounds. She really is a tiny girl.

Most of the other girls also have surprisingly low weights and mostly lower than the last updated weight by about a pound. We've got a crew of petite kids. The 21-month old only weighs 19 pounds, and the 16-month and the other 9-month old weigh around 16.5 pounds. Only our luscious 10-month old came in at 20.7 pounds!

I'd heard that the exam is traumatic for the babies. This time, it was probably more traumatic for the doctors and nurses taking the measurements, because Miss Joss screamed her lungs out. I have no idea if that weight is really correct since she was kicking so much. And they could barely get a head circumference, she was tossing her head around.

But she passed and is cleared for her visa application and that's all that matters.

We had a short walking tour of the island afterwards and saw a seafood market. It wasn't only seafood, though. There were a few other "interesting" items in the bins for sale.

Sandworms and Water Beetles

Silkworms

Mud Eels

We opted for less authentic fare but had a great Cantonese meal in what looked like a dirty walk-up. They led us to a private dining room, with a tv! The meal was wonderful and we had a great time.

We also learned a little about the CCAA and how they make their matches. Our facilitator used to be one of the "matchmakers." We asked him how he would do this and he first shook his head and laughed. But when pressed (we were being very un-Chinese by persisting in our questioning), he allowed that it was very difficult work. He had to read all the paperwork, especially the home study. And after this, he would try to match faces of the babies to their parents. At last, an answer to that question of "how do they do it?" They work at it. That's how. It's not a random matching of faces, but a careful match of personality, lifestyle and then physical traits.

Hmmm.... Why did we get the small, stubborn, strong-willed, and loud baby?

We walked by the Pearl River where they were having dragon boat races.

Racing

Race Officials

We had some baby playtime today also. Joss loves all the other children. And everyone she sees. Sort of like the small dog always wanting to play with the big dogs. So she had a great time sitting with one of the other babies (she loves the 20 pound baby!) and the two other children that are traveling with our group.

Free time tomorrow to explore. It'll be a relief not to have to be somewhere at a certain time. It's been a wonderful trip, but stressful in its own way. We finished the last of the paperwork this afternoon (as well as paid the last of the fees). Our files and our wallets are lighter. Two more days and we should have Joss's visa to go to the US!

For Brad

Moving On

We spent our last day in Nanchang. I didn't expect it to be so emotional for me. Taking Joss out of her birth province, was sad. I think it'll be really hard to leave China with her. She's going to be a remarkable person, I'm sure, and China is, for the moment, losing her and many other amazingly bright and wonderful children.

Maybe I'm getting tired. (Hard to imagine, ha ha. If you've been here, you know!) But we picked up the babies' passports this morning. Seeing her People's Republic of China, dark maroon passport, gave me chills. Good chills. She's got her ID. She's a Chinese girl and though she'll soon be an American, she'll always also be Chinese. It seemed strange that we needed to get her official Chinese papers to make her an official American.

Nanchang was as close to a taste of China as we'll get. Beijing is all about the Olympics now. English is everywhere. And Guangzhou is reputed to be full of Americans and something akin to a Disneyland of shopping. We'll see. We got here too late to want to explore.

Besides traveling to Guangzhou, we traveled to acceptance from Joss. She woke up without a fuss. Just saw me, smiled and we were off on our day. Diaper changes went without a hitch! She's been screaming everytime I put her down, though I haven't been sure if it's because I'm not touching her. She has been getting hysterical if I am not physically by her, or wrapped around her. Today, she was more confident. I was even able to put her on the bed with some toys, and then do my packing. She could see me and was perfectly happy.

And I got kisses! Lots of wet, sloppy, open-mouthed, suckerfish, baby kisses. Is there anything better?

Joss laughed through much of the day. And so did the other children. They all blossomed today. As difficult as it was to watch them or hear about them all grieving, it was heart-stoppingly lovely to see them all laugh and reach out to play with each other. They seem to have all bonded somehow and now reach for each other when they get near. Joss more than the others, I think. Maybe because she is so small, she wants to be around the "big" kids. I don't know. But she reached out to everyone today and gave them all a gigantic, beautiful smile.

The girls all did well on the plane ride, too. The looks on the other passengers faces as our group boarded, but they had no reason to worry. Let's hope that the 15+ ride back will be as easy.

Nanchang

We had a free day here. Nothing planned, just time to explore the city on our own.

John and I first went to look for a post office. We were given general directions, but somehow missed it, so we started asking random people if they spoke English.

We are not in Beijing anymore! The people we asked, did not. John has in his pocket, a little pullout with key phrases in English, then Mandarin, then Pinyun (characters). According to our guides, we should be able to point to the characters and anyone in China, regardless of dialect, will understand.

As two guards were discussing where to send us and how, a woman came up to us and asked, in English what we needed. She proceeded to take us!

This entailed running for a bus ride (that she paid for!) and then going into a building we never would have noticed. She was more than helpful and when we offered to take her where she was going, she declined and said that now we were friends and friends help each other.

This is how people in China are. They are so friendly. Maybe too much for us closed-off Westerners, but they always mean well. The old women swarm us as we walk. The babies are a huge draw.

One group that stopped us today, commented on how small Joss was (through a translator of sorts), then told me that it was okay because I was tall (for here I am) and that she would grow. I tried to explain that we were adoptive parents, but it fell on deaf ears.

The thing is, they know I'm not a bio mother. You can't walk around with some blonds without everyone knowing why you are there. They say "lucky baby" and touch the children and smile. They love the babies.

Today was Children's Day in China. Children were out everywhere, some dressed up. We saw a small performance in front of the grocery store.

Later, we went to a porcelain shop. This province is known for its porcelain. Some of the pieces were exquisite, but not great for travel. Will have to come back in a few years with a big padded suitcase.

We asked one of the salespeople if there was a good restaurant around and she said yes. When we asked for directions, she said that she would take us there. She did, then called a friend who spoke English, and through her, ordered our food for us and got us a price on it all.

She would not eat with us, but just smiled and left. She seemed so happy to help, as did the woman who helped us in the morning. Everyone helps and enjoys doing so.

I met two women that I had been in correspondence with on the internet. Both adopting older children, both of whom are doing well. One woman's child had been in foster care on a farm. This child spits! And plays a little too rough (older brothers in the house).

Joss did much better today. She slept better and threw fewer tantrums. Progress on all fronts. She also did some good eating. She's like a puppy. Eat, sleep, up to play, eat, sleep and so on. She can finish what she wants in a bottle, turn her head and she's asleep. Astounding.

But it looks like its working. She looks longer, though not more filled out. And she's becoming more trusting.

We got her "finding ad" today. It's a posting of the baby's first photo and the information about when and where she was found. If no one comes forward, the baby is officially "abandoned." The man at the shop who did this (it is a free service here) translated it as well.

Besides the essentials, when, where, Joss was described as "round face, big eyes." Her face shape has changed but you can still see that it is her.

I've got to get some sleep while Baby J is sleeping too. Tomorrow we head to Guangzhou to get her visa. Almost done!

There is so much more to write, but it will have to wait for another day. This time with the other families has been wonderful. We'll always have a bond after these two weeks. The other 9-month old and Joss are sharing similar transitions. Their progress has been almost exactly the same. Hopefully, tomorrow morning both families can say that the babies slept through the night!